Last Saturday night I was talking to a friend that I don't see since 2007's vacations, and that fact was kinda curious. 1st 'cause I was going bed when she got online, and then she started to talk, well we talked about things that happened since the last time we saw each other and what we are going to do from now, but that night, I was kinda inspired, and she started to complain about some problem, involving people who lets us down, and we can not trust. Well I told her that I already felt that like a thousand of times, because to me is to easy to trust in people, and most of the time, people I trust just don't give a damn to me, and that's really frustrating, I hate it. But I told her that it's life, we don't create any rule, but we need to follow the ones that are imposed to us. No one cares if we like it or not. Well, as I said, I was very inspired that night and we kept talking about it all for a long, long time and she got really surprised about what I was telling her, her words:
"Boy, I did not know that you were that smart and wise, when I met you, you were so funny and making jokes, you look different now." I told her that in fact I'm this way, you know, if you make jokes, or look happy some way you got people's attention for awhile, but in fact I'm not that joker that everyone think I am. It's just a mask, last Sunday at Centro Ita, I was not that happy, I was being me, but people just don't understand, or rather they prefer me to be the joker, I don't know and to tell you the truth I don't care, they're just people playing the same game that I play, and some of them play better than me.
As vezes acho que não nasci pro curso que eu faço! Sei lá! Ser professor não é algo que eu goste, a vida é mais do que ensinar e ensinar! Eu prefiro aprender, sabe, é mais fácil, dá menos trabalho, ensinar não é algo que eu queria, não mesmo! E isso reflete muito no meu desempenho nesse curso, mas fazer o que, ou eu estudo isso, ou nada. Por isso vou levando esse curso, aos trancos e barrancos... E assim a vida segue... As vezes fico chatiado comigo mesmo, pq mesmo que eu quisesse eu nunka ia ser um bom professor, e acho que tem muita gente que concorda comigo, mas tudo bem, eu já levo a minha vida sempre recebendo tudo calado, sem responder nada, não vou fikar chatiado com isso... O que eu fico mais chatiado é em achar um propósito pra mim, o que fazer, pra onde ir, essas coisas. Ahhhh pq isso é tão complikado? Eu queria fazer alguma coisa mais louvável, algo maior, mas essa sensação é como tentar abrir uma porta trancada, por mais que eu tente, ela não abre e eu não acho as minhas respostas.... Como eu queria ser alguém mais fácil de lidar! Será que um dia, eu vou ser alguém melhor? Será que eu vou fazer alguma coisa da qual eu me orgulhe? Não sei... O pior é que o relógio não para por causa de decisões erradas.Domingão passou e bom, além d estudar pro concurso de oratória, vi muitos episodios de True Blood, sim, essa série realmente é muito boa, tô quase acabando de ver a primeira temporada, logo, logo começo a ver a segunda e fora isso, vi tbm, Moulin Rouge e as Crônicas de Nárnia, o primeiro filme, foi a primeira vez que vi desde que comprei o dvd, a quase um ano atrás, já Nárnia foi a segunda vez que vi, tem uns 6 meses q comprei esse dvd. Bom é isso nada d novo, por aqui, just the same. bye
Yes, I'm weak, in fact I'm weaker than I thought! But that's okay, I still have no right to feel anything, I'm a monster after all, I see this into people's eyes, they look at me as I'm a monster something that should be vanished from the world. Yeah, I'm a monster, so I have no right to feel anything at all, I'm not supposed to dream, or have any kind of feeling, it's forbidden. We, monsters, only exist to be the villain, we're faded to be the ones whose must be defeated, so once we're gone people can be happy again, while I'm alive, people will always get afraid to look at me, talk to me, think of me.... be my friend. But that's okay, this is me, I can't change nothing at all. I can't change the fact that I'm not good on nothing, sports, studies, funny things, relations, nothing. So I just want to get in a place where I find monsters like me, the
Hey, Can I sit here, by your side? You don't need to talk to me, that's okay for me. If I just have you here, my world is complete, so please don't go away from me, I know, I'm boring most of the time, and I'm disposable as broken glass, and I don't know how to change it, I want to be a bit more interesting, I want to make you laugh and be happy, but I know I cannot do that.
But don't worry, I won't feel blue, I do not have the right of such a thing, I don't deserve nothing at all, right? I'm just a soul that suffers for been caged, and I'm caged in this body, my body. I don't have nothing to offer to you, I'm not good at anything at all, I'm just some pathetic guy, who thinks better than does about everything, about life. Don't leave me because of it,I know I have nothing and you, you just make me feel so good, so better, and that hurts me, to see that I don't move you, I don't reach at you as you do to me. I know I asked you to not talk to me, but sometimes, it's good to listen some words of care, worry, friendship or at least one
In the end I'm the one who says: 'Thanks'.